Just Another Day in Stupid Town
by Cerby
Summary: A crapfic written and inspired by boredom. Wolff torments bystanders with the CPC in a Can, Emily debates ritual suicide, Phantom annoys everyone as usual and poor Alfred just wants a break.


A/N: As per standard notes on front page, this is GZverse stupidity. I play both Wolff and Kouki on there, in addition to my own chars, which is why they appear here. And slightly OOC. Everyone else is MINE. _Snarrs._ I have nothing else to say now.  
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_**It's mine! Give it!**_

A decidedly angry yowl.

_**No, it's mine! Tivrol!**_

_Mmrowr!_

"KNOCK IT OFF, PEABRAINS!"

The Helcat and Leoblaze paused in their mad scrabbling around on the floor, Gunner still chewing on Tivrol's tail. The imposing black eyes of the Berserk Fury in front of them flashed a brief orange, before the saurian let out a deep, rumbling growl.

"Eve. What's got you two so worked up?" Emily grumbled, staring down at the tiny kitties from the end of Matrix's nose. Gunner dropped Tivrol's tail and inched back, the Helcat following suit to reveal a very large dust bunny in the middle of the floor. The blonde sweatdropped. "A dust bunny…?"

_**I found it first. It's mine! **_Gunner growled unhelpfully, little stick-sword tail tapping on the floor. Tivrol hissed, reaching out to bat the ball of dust with a paw. He drew back when Matrix grumbled, golden fangs flashing.

"If you can't share, then apparently no one gets it," Emily said, sliding down the end of the Fury's nose to the floor. Giving the giant dust bunny a final grimace, she glanced upwards at the black Zoid. "Get rid of this for me, willya Matrix?"

**Don't wait up**, the Fury advised, eyes flashing orange again before he picked up the dust bunny and began to walk out of the hangar. The two little kitties watched it go, before Gunner slunk away to look for Genesis and sulk. Tivrol grumbled, then went invisible and went…somewhere. Probably to hunt organoids.

"Good grief. Some days I hate my life," the blonde muttered, before turning around and heading for a side ladder.

Upstairs, Alfred was poking through the mail when Wolff walked in.

"Anything interesting?" The ousted Zenebas prince inquired, pausing to peer over the Zoidian's shoulder at the pile on the table. Alfred shrugged.

"Not really. Most of it's bills… And junk mail…" Blink. The brunette squinted at a roundish package, before tossing it over his shoulder at Wolff. "But that one's for you."

"Do I even wanna know?" Wolff muttered, tossing the parcel up and down a few times before shaking it. "How much you wanna bet it's from a deranged fangirl of mine somewhere?"

"The remains of your empire," Alfred replied, wisely picking up the mail and walking out of the kitchen to the office. Time to shred the junk mail and pin the bills on a bulletin board.

Wolff made a face after him, before hunting for some scissors and cutting off the tape on the box. Dumping the contents on the table, he found it to be some sort of can wrapped in caution tape. "What in the hell…?" He peeled of the tape and read the label: 'CPC in a Can'. "Great. Someone's messing with me."

Grumbling, the Zenebas prince tossed the can up and down a few times, before studying the label on the front. It had a little Diloforce on a green background, with 'CPC in a Can' in big orange letters. "There is seriously not a CPC in this can," he muttered, prying off the lid.

A brilliantly blinding beam of white light shot out of the can, vaporizing a good chunk out of the ceiling. Wolff jumped in shock, then slammed the lid back on the can and practically threw it on the table before skittering back towards a doorway.

Taking several deep breaths, he observed the can to make sure it wasn't going to…explode or anything. Downstairs, he felt Solaris stir with worry.

_**Wolff, are you alright?**_

"_Don't worry, I'm fine,"_ Wolff thought back, partially lying. Stepping into the kitchen, he cautiously reached forward and poked the can. When nothing happened, he poked it harder. The can rocked a bit, but nothing exploded.

"This day just keeps getting weirder," he muttered, picking up the can and staring at it. Just what could he do with a CPC in a can anyway?

A sudden rustling of newspaper in the next room gave him his answer.

Whistling absently, Kouki flipped to the next page of his paper. The room was quiet now, ever since Tivrol and Gunner had stopped yowling over that dust bunny in the hangar. Eyes scanning the page, the redhead paused and frowned, danger sense tingling. Glancing up from his paper, Kouki scanned the room, thinking. Alfred was in the office shredding mail, Mark and Karen were out on a mission, Emily was down in the hangar killing something, and Wolff-

Oh damn. Where was Wolff?

_GWOOM!_

Kouki just blinked as his face was totally burned off by a miniature CPC.

Behind the doorway, Wolff snickered.

"**WOLFF!! **When I get my face back, you're a dead man!"

Alfred blinked as something zoomed past the office to the bathroom. "Wow. I guess they really had to go," he shrugged, and went back to dealing with the mail.

Plunk'd on Alpha's nose in the hangar, Emily frowned.

"I just got a random feeling of eminent doom," she muttered, patting the Energy Liger. "That mean anything to you?"

_**Umm… We'll get snow?**_

"It never snows out here," Emily grumbled, staring out the doorway at the endless waves of sand. Such was the inconvenience of living in the Elemia Desert. Alpha rumbled comfortingly, tail swishing across the hangar floor.

The blonde was trying to decide between turning emo or cutting herself when Nightmare lifted his head, looking sadistically amused. _**I do believe Kouki is in pain**_, he snarled, and then went back to sleeping.

"Kouki in pain? What else is new," Emily sighed, sliding off the Liger's nose to the floor. Alpha whined at his pilot, and silently sent curses to SAD and overcast days. "Guess I'd better check and see that he's not mortally wounded…"

_**I don't believe so, unfortunately,**_ came the Saber Tiger's disgusted rumble from his corner of the hangar.

"You. Shut up," the blonde grumbled, stalking past again to the ladder, but this time starting to climb. Nightmare grunted, hissed at Alpha when the Liger snarled, and then went back to sleep.

Wolff was busy laughing his arse off in the kitchen when Emily emerged through the trapdoor. Ignoring the crazy Zenebas d00d, she glanced at the pile of clipped coupons on the table, and then frowned when she felt a draft. The hell, the windows weren't even open… And why was there a spot of sunlight on the table? Glancing up, the blonde stiffened, and then growled. "Wolff…"

But when she turned around, he was gone.

_**Y'know, she IS going to kill you when she finds out about the ceiling.**_

"Yeah, and?" Wolff shrugged. "She can get Alfred to fix it. He does all the chores around here."

_**That doesn't make him a slave, Wolff,**_ Solaris admonished.

"Why does he act like one, then?"

_It's repentance._

Both man and Energy Liger jumped slightly, seeing a pair of gleaming blue optics appear out of midair next to them. Optic camo marbling away, the black Konig Wolf gave them a scornful glance.

"Re-repentance?" Wolff asked, still getting over the shock of having the black Zoid just appear outta nowhere.

_He tried to kill us all, y'know,_ Lady growled conversationally, sitting her butt down on the ground and yawning. _Got brainwashed by an organoid. Emily saved him, but he still thinks it's his fault. That's why he does all the chores. Says it's the least he can do. Martyr,_ the Wolf added with a derisive snort.

Solaris would've quirked an eyebrow, if he had one. Same with Wolff, but he did have them. So he did. "Alfred, a killer? You're kidding me. I've never seen someone more…gentle in my life."

_Oh, really. _Lady chuckled, a tad evilly. _Let's hope you never have to fight him, then._

_**I should think not,**_ Solaris rumbled, orange eyes flashing. _**We have no reason to.**_

Wolff fidgeted on the Energy Liger's paw, thinking about the Zenebas individuals who were plotting to revolt and take back their country.

_By the way,_ Lady added, _Do either of you know what Kouki did to his face? Nightmare's having a field day with it, and Tivrol…_

…_**is being Tivrol?**_

_Exactly._

"Umm…no," Wolff lied, inwardly sweating. Nobody could blame him for a bit of payback against the Zenebas Hunter, could they? The Konig shrugged, and then trotted off. Probably heading back to her corner to sleep.

_**Wolff, DO you know what happened?**_ Solaris asked with a knowing growl, tilting his head down to stare at his pilot. Wolff gulped.

"Um, well…"

"So Kouki burned his face and won't say how, Alfred is shredding mail, Wolff's down there doing something, and Mark and Karen are still gone," Emily summarized, flopping down onto a couch in the living room and sighing. "Argh, this place is such a gang rape. I need more girls."

_That's why I'm here!_ Came an obnoxious trilling growl, and then Phantom poofed into existence on top of the coffee table. The blonde gave the organoid a flat stare, then chucked a magazine at her.

"Get off the table, pest!"

Phantom ducked and stuck out her tongue. _Make me._

"With pleasure, you bloody thing!" Rooting around behind the couch, Emily emerged with a Louisville slugger and began to chase the silver dragon around the room.

Finally done with the junk mail and the shredder, Alfred emerged in the living room and was nearly run over by 250 pounds of rampaging semiorganic silver. And shortly after that, 130 rampaging pounds of organic flesh. With a 'WTFD:' look on his face, the brunette scrambled for cover on top of a bookcase.

_Did we just almost hit something?_

"I think so." There was a resounding _WHACK_, and then Phantom fell over after being slammed with the bat. "There. _Now_ I hit something."

_Freakin' OW!_ Staggering to her feet, Phantom glared at her owner, and then pointed a claw at the bookcase. _I meant him, idiot! Not me!_

"What?" Looking up, Emily did a double take, and then waved. "Hey Alfred! How'd you get up there?"

"Don't ask," the Zoidian advised, climbing back down the shelves. "What in the heck are you guys doing, anyway?"

"Teaching a lesson in humility!" _Getting abused! D:_

Alfred just blinked. "Um… I'm done with the mail… Is that everything?"

"For now," Emily shrugged, poking a crack in the bat and glaring at her organoid. "We'll probably need groceries later, but Kouki can help you with that." Nodding, Alfred began to head into the kitchen. The blonde watched him, thinking she was forgetting something.

_Hole in the ceiling?_ Phantom suggested.

"Ah, that's right. Hey, Alfred." He froze.

"Yes?"

"Find Wolff for me, will you? I have a little chore that he needs to do…"

Relieved that it wasn't him doing things for a change, Alfred shot down the ladder and away.

_What are you planning?_ The silver organoid growled, looking over at her owner. Emily shrugged, twirling the bat around before storing it away behind the couch.

"Eh, not much… Just a little overdue punishment."

Phantom snorted. _Eve. He's screwed._

"Woooooooolff!" Roaming around the left side of the hangar, Alfred paused to frown. Just how hard could it be to find one person in an open area?

But then again, the bottom hangar seemed to eat things. Like the dryer and their socks.

"I bet you could lose a Seismosaurus in here," he muttered, pausing again to kick a random rock in the area. The rock squeaked, causing him to jump, and then it unfurled into a furry black creature with a bright red mane. Blinking big blue eyes at the Zoidian, Meera grumbled unhappily and flicked her tail at him.

"Myuu!"

"Whoops! Sorry Meera," Alfred sweatdropped, wondering how he could have mistaken the furry thing for stone. Reaching down, he picked up the strange little mutant and deposited her on his shoulder. "You really shouldn't sleep in the middle of the floor. You'll get stepped on." Meera huffed, saying 'as if'. "Have you seen Wolff?"

"Myuu! Meew mewp meer!" One front paw flailing around somewhere to the right of him, Meera pricked her ears in that direction before tugging on the Zoidian's shirt.

"Over there? Alright," Alfred shrugged, patting the creature between her ears. "Help me grab him. He's got a chore he needs to do." Meera squeaked, blue eyes glinting with evil intent.

_**You're a dead man, Wolff,**_ Solaris rumbled; tail flicking back and forth as he stared down at his pilot. Wolff sweatdropped, inching away from the Liger's gaze.

"She's not going to kill me, Solaris…"

_**No, she's going to mummify you. Alive.**_

That made the Zenebas prince squeak slightly with terror.

There was a high-pitched chirp, and then Meera landed from above on the Energy Liger's nose. Strutting around on his face, the little furry creature trilled and squeaked at Solaris, before twitching the end of her tail over one of his eyes and dashing away.

Wolff blinked. "What was that about?"

Solaris looked vaguely disturbed. _**For a mutant, she's oddly articulate with her words…**_

"Found you!"

This time, Wolff fell off Solaris' paw in shock. "They're invading! Solaris, save me!" He yelped, ducking behind the golden claws of the big Zoid. The Energy Liger rumbled again, turning his head to look over at Alfred, sitting on his Gatling and looking smug.

_**You get a real kick out of that, don't you…**_

"Sorry, can't help it," Alfred shrugged, waving a little at the Liger before climbing over the gun and sliding down the shiny red leg armor. "I think it's in my blood. Anyway, I need to borrow Wolff for a little bit…"

Solaris nodded. _**I was…forewarned, so to speak,**_ he growled, flinching slightly when Meera popped up on Alfred's shoulder and hissed at him. _**Man, she's nasty. Anyway, is this about Kouki or the ceiling?**_

"The ceiling," Alfred replied promptly, before taking a moment to process that statement. "Wait. What does this have to do with Kouki?"

_**It – Um, nevermind,**_ the Liger growled nervously, noticing Wolff giving him a sharp death glare from below. _**Anyway, here he is, please leave me in peace now, bye. **_

"Solaris!" Wolff protested, as the feline shoved him out of hiding with one big paw. Alfred studied him for a minute with his strange red-orange eyes, then hopped down to the ground and took up a position near Wolff's elbow.

"I'd escort you, but you can walk on your own," he said, grinning. "So I think I'll just send my envoy instead." Meera gave an evil squeak, before launching herself off Alfred and onto Wolff's head. The Zenebas prince freaked out for a moment as the furry creature skittered around in his hair, finally settling down on top of his head.

"Myuu!" The mutant proclaimed triumphantly, smacking the back of his head with her tail. Wolff glowered up at her, then grumbled at Alfred and started off towards the ladder. The Zoidian watched him go with satisfaction, before jogging off towards his own Zoids. Doubtless Ace and Torrent would want to go out and play for a bit.

"Okay, what's this about?" Wolff asked grouchily, emerging into the kitchen. Squeaking, Meera bounded off his head onto the kitchen table, then ran across that and up her owner's shoulder. Emily absently patted the mutant on the head, studying the remains of a package in the trash.

"Did you get anything in the mail today, Wolff?"

"Um.." Wolff debated losing his life over telling the truth. Eyeing him, Meera jumped across the table onto him again, then wormed her way into his jacket and started rooting around. "What the - ! Get out, you crazy thing, that tickles! Hey!" Chirring in delight, Meera emerged with a can held between her paws, only to get it snatched back by Wolff. "That's mine!"

"So you _did_ get something," Emily observed, catching the furry mutant as it jumped at her chest. Rubbing Meera behind the ears, the blonde studied Wolff as he clutched his can close. "What's in there, Wolff?"

"Ah… Oh, to hell with it. You're going to figure it out anyway," he muttered, unscrewing the lid and pointing the can at the ceiling.

Another brilliant white beam of energy shot out of the can and through the roof, burning a big melty hole through the cement. The beam continued up into the air, where it happened to strike a random Redler through the wing and sent the Zoid plummeting to the ground.

_**Ohay, look! Lunch!**_ Ace crowed happily, pointing a claw up at the falling Redler. _**Dibs on the core, Torrent!**_

_**You always get the core!**_ The Diablo Tiger protested, snarling after the Genosaurer as she revved her boosters and shot out of the hangar. _**Ace!**_

_**First come, first served!**_ Came the cackled reply from the grey saurian as she pounced on the downed Redler, already starting to chew through its wing. Torrent roared with irritation, before dashing after the Genosaurer, in hopes he'd get _something_ before the glutton downed the whole Zoid.

_**Ace! You fat greedy Geno!**_

"Guuuuys, snacking on wild Zoids is bad!" Alfred called futilely after his ravenous Zoids. Grumbling, the boy settled for sitting on a crate and banging his head against the wall, ignoring the shrills from outside as the Redler was ripped to pieces and eaten alive.

Oh yeah. They have such great control over their Zoids, don't they?

Upstairs, Wolff was screwing the lid back on the CPC in a Can, and Emily looked rather stoned. So did Meera, puffed out to three times her normal size and looking like a large plush black-and-red pillow.

"W..was that a CPC… In a _CAN?_" Emily spluttered finally, pupils starting to return to their normal size. Wolff nodded, done with securing the lid. Shoving the can in his pocket, he turned and started for the door.

"Yep. If that's everything, I'll just be off then…"

"WOLFF. Get back here." Like a whipped puppy, the Zenebas prince grudgingly turned around and came back to the kitchen. "Who sent you that?"

"I don't know. There wasn't any name on the package except mine."

Emily gave him a look. "So you burned a hole in the roof opening the can the first time."

"Yep."

"You're fixing both holes, by the way."

"Damn."

"Mmhm." Setting poofy Meera on the table, Emily forced the last of her _extremely_ fluffed out ponytail to go back down. "And, knowing you, you probably burned Kouki's face off with that."

"Yep."

"Wolff, I have half a mind to ground you," the blonde muttered, ignoring the disbelieving snort from the side. "But, I know a better way to deal with you."

Wolff raised an eyebrow. "That being?"

"OY, KOUKI!"

Emily had to keep from laughing as Wolff went white. Staring around the kitchen nervously, he let out a sudden yelp when a hand shot out of a cabinet and grabbed his shoulder.

"I told you you'd be a dead man, Wolff!" Kouki proclaimed, emerging from a tall cabinet behind him. Wolff glanced over his shoulder at the Zenebas hunter, then grabbed Kouki's arm and heaved him over his shoulder onto the table before taking off to the downstairs. Rolling off the furniture, the Rottiger member followed, yelling something about his gun and feeding Wolff to Nightmare for dinner.

Sighing, Emily headed out of the kitchen into the living room and shut the door, ignoring the sound of crashing furniture. "Well. That worked," she commented to the silver creature on the couch.

_I guess there's a reason you're a tactician as well,_ Phantom growled, channel surfing with the remote clutched between her three short claws. _That's quite a plan, though. Very devious._

"Why thank you. I thought so too," Emily chuckled, leaning against the door. "Especially when you factor in they're going to have to clean up and replace whatever they break."

A sudden scratching at the door prompted the blonde to open it a crack and let Meera in. The fuzzy mutant was covered in dust and shards of broken dishes. Ears flat, the creature trotted in and kicked the door shut behind her.

_So what now?_ Phantom asked, craning her neck to look behind her. Pushing off the wall, Emily walked over to the couch, plucked the remote from the organoid's claws, and then shoved her off the couch onto the floor.

"_You're_ going to be staying off the furniture from now on," she directed, setting the TV to channel 3 and turning on the DVD player. "As for me, I'm gonna be playing _Twilight Princess_ on the Wii."


End file.
